Hello again | msstarrshine's Blog

Well, I finally saw him again yesterday.  I was at my grandparents' house, and he came and met me there.  We stayed there the entire evening, so we spent the entire time talking with my grandparents.  I'm glad he finally got to meet them and that I finally got to see him again, but that was kind of awkward.  We really need to talk to each other alone, I think, and we didn't get that chance yesterday.  I'm supposed to see him this coming Friday, so hopefully we can reach some kind of understanding.  Right now I'm just about as miserable as ever.  I know that sounds stupid since I should be happy that I saw him, but I am just continually reminded when he is around of the fact that he and I cannot be together the way I would like.  Maybe I could eventually get over that, but unless we talk to each other and work things out, I think things are just going to stay awkward and we don't stand a chance of having any sort of relationship.

I was surprised when he hugged me.  As soon as he got out of his car, he came over to me and hugged me.  I mean, he really hugged me - both his arms around me, mine around him, and my face practically pressed against his chest.  He's never done that before.  I realize we've rarely been alone when we meet up (we were this time before we went inside my grandparents' house), so that could be part of the reason why he's never done that before; still, it seemed unusual.  He's had opportunities to do that before, but he never did.  Does he think that because we kissed he can just hug me now without it seeming like a big deal?  Well, whatever.

I'm not saying it didn't feel good.  It certainly did feel good having his arms around me like that and being able to put my arms around him.  As he hugged me when he arrived, I tried to say that it was good to see him, but I almost couldn't get my voice to work.  If I thought that was bad, it was almost twice as bad when he went to leave.  He hugged me again, and this time it was so tight.  I mean, maybe that could partly be my fault (because I wouldn't be surprised if I was beginning to hold on tightly before even without realizing it), but I am sure I felt him holding me just as tightly as I ended up holding him.  It was weird trying to say goodbye, even if only for a week, after that; my voice nearly gave out again. 

I don't know what to think about it.  It is possible that he's just feeling guilty.  My grandmother made a couple of comments that certainly suggested he should feel guilty for treating me the way he has or staying away from me this long.  At one point I was standing across the room as she made such a comment, and I could see him looking over at me with a sort of strange expression, like he was wondering what I'd said to her.  I don't think he's so stupid that he doesn't realize I'm hurt.  He already asked before if I'm mad at him, so I know he's noticed.  But he's also told me before that he does like me and that I shouldn't think otherwise, so perhaps he would hug me like that anyway, guilt or no guilt.  I really don't know.

The only thing I really do know is that I pray with my entire being, from the very deepest depths of my soul, that he and I can sort out whatever is wrong between us.