He's Gone | msstarrshine's Blog

For now anyway.  He's back home on the other side of the world.  It's not like I didn't know he had left, and I was kind of glad to see his Facebook posts because now I know that he arrived home safely.

Still....

When asked by somebody else why he was there, he said "to get what I missed in USA."  I mean, I know that it's his home and always will be his home and that whatever life he can create in the United States will never compare to the comforts of his own country and culture, but I really wish he could stay here.  I miss him, and I hate how strained our relationship had become right before he left.  We might be on the road to becoming "just friends" again, but we still haven't made it there yet.  As long as he's gone, I really don't think the distance is going to make things any better (though I would love to be proven wrong on this point).

The fact that he's on the other side of the earth somehow makes this even more awkward.  He didn't want his friends to know about me while he was here, and I'm sure the last thing he needs now that he's there is for his family to know about me.  He's online right now, and I don't feel like I can talk to him.  I want to get closer to him, but I feel like he erases every other trace of me that I leave online even if it's just me liking one of his posts on Facebook.  He's not supposed to be with me, so he gets rid of the evidence.  I knew from the beginning that it would probably be a bad idea to get involved with him the way I have, but I just couldn't stop myself from falling for him.  It might sound like he's treating me badly by trying to hide me away, but he's also the first guy to ever properly show any interest in me; in other words, he's also the only guy who ever really treated me like a girl worth desiring.  I can't be mad at him.  It's sad to say, but pushing me away is actually a rather expected move on his part, and I don't want to risk losing him completely by asking him to overturn his life and go against his parents and cultural norms just to be with me.  I don't want to make him choose between me and them because he won't choose me and would only resent me.

So I'm just going to sit here and pray that when he comes back, we'll reconnect.  Hopefully when he has to leave home to come back here, he will at least think of me as a small reason to be happy to return to the United States.