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msstarrshine's Blog


What Else Has Been Going On

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I Hurt

Even though I don't burn with the urge to talk to him every moment of every day or spend all of my time thinking of him anymore, I'm still not over him.  I know I'm not.  It still hurts, and I wish so badly that it didn't.

I can't just get rid of everything that reminds me of him.  That's just not going to work.  There's too much. 

Maybe it would help if somebody else was putting any (and I do mean any) effort into sweeping me off my feet, but nobody is.

I mean, goddamn, this guy has been a jerk to me really, but at the same time, he has been sweeter to me than any other guy I've known.  How dumb is that?  Why couldn't he have just been a total asshole?  That would have been easier.  No, instead he had to be just charming enough for me to fall for him, and then every other guy I come across has to be completely without charm.  They don't give a damn. They're all jerks, and in a land of jerks, he actually continues to seem like a great guy.

Too bad he's not nor is he even a viable option.

In short, it just really sucks, and I am fucking tired of feeling this way.

One Year

It's been one year since he kissed me, and since then, nobody else has even come close to kissing me. I've been so lonely lately, and it's not the kind of void family or friends can fill. 

You want to know how I knew how much I liked that guy?

I spent a couple of hours with him at his apartment one night (nothing happened, of course). I was so excited after that. Maybe for nothing, but I'd never had any guy invite me over to his apartment. That fact gave the entire evening some significance. I knew I had a problem, though, because I could barely sleep or eat after that. I'd never had anybody cause that kind of reaction in me. The first night afterwards, I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and struggled to fall back to sleep. For two days I couldn't eat like I normally do. I barely felt like eating at all, but it wasn't a sick feeling. It was like I felt perfect and didn't have room for hunger.

If that's how I felt after just hanging out with him fora couple of hours, then you can imagine what it was like after he kissed me. I could barely sleep for two days. I kept waking up and thinking about what happened, and it would seem like forever before I could fall asleep again. I remember going most of the day the next day without eating and not feeling the least bit hungry. But I wasn't surprised by any of these things this time.  I knew exactly what was causing my reaction.

What's New

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

First I’d like to say that the guy I was on Skype with has finally made it to the United States. I really wish I could see him in person. We’re just friends at this point, but I still think my reaction would be pretty strong if I ever saw him in person. Anyway, how could I not want to see somebody I have talked to nearly once a week (even more often during the summer) since last November? We’re good friends. Unfortunately, it’ll probably be a while before that ever happens. But I do really hope that it happens.

The other bit of relevant news is that the guy that I usually write about is now living in Michigan. He had already moved there before he even graduated, but it took me until after then to figure that out.

There was a time not long after graduation when we finally had it all out, so to speak. We had the conversation that we’d needed to have for months. It needed to happen, but it wasn’t too nice for me. It hurt me. I felt stupid. Not that he wasn’t at fault – he was partly at fault. His actions had been kind of stupid too. You can’t have two people being thoughtless together; it just doesn’t work, and it leads to ugly misunderstandings.

The good thing is that 1) it gave me a chance to vent my feelings and actually tell him off which felt good and showed me how strong I can be when I feel I’ve been wronged in that sort of situation and 2) within the month after that, we started to repair our friendship. Things got better. They’re not great, not perfect, but they’re better than I might have hoped.

Sometime in mid-July, he started this conversation on Facebook chat in which he asked if he could talk to me when he feels bad. The whole conversation was quite endearing. I felt touched that he would ask that of me. He went on to say that he really liked me. I told him that I really liked him (I know, probably not the best thing to admit when I know I should be trying to emotionally distance myself from him, but I digress). He asked why I liked him, so I explained. He appreciated that, I think. He said he really thanks god for me.

I guess he must have been in that kind of mood for the rest of the month because he chatted with me quite a bit, all things considered. I wouldn’t even start the conversation. That was what was kind of surprising.

Towards the end of July I got a message from him in which he said that he’d been thinking about how out of all his friends who understand him really well, I’m second. I think those are pretty good odds. And apparently I understood him even before I really knew him. Then he asked if I could call him. Of course, before I could call him, he called me. We ended up talking over the phone for nearly 15 minutes. That’s absolutely amazing considering that there was a time not so long ago when I could hardly understand him at all over the phone. We even talked about that during our conversation. I think he must have been at least a bit amazed too.

I knew that once he finally found a job, I probably wouldn’t hear from him much anymore. Thankfully, though, we’ve managed to stay in touch. I’m not exactly sure how. Sometimes I contact him, but it’s not always me. Things are pretty good, and I’m praying they stay that way.

This past week was pretty good on that front. He told me way back in January that he’d gotten something for me while he was in his home country. I’d been waiting for over half a year for him to give it to me and only occasionally bugging him about it. This past week, he finally sent what he’d gotten me. I was really happy when that arrived. The top he bought me fit perfectly. I was pleasantly surprised.

I decided to call him by phone to thank him. I was pleasantly surprised again when he picked up and we ended up talking for about 10 minutes. He said I’m the only girl he’s ever bought anything for (even if he did have to hide that fact from his mother). He also said to take a picture of myself in what he bought me if I think it suits me. I think it suits me extremely well, so I’m going to do just what he said.

He still insists on calling me baby, and on days when I randomly get a message saying “hi baby” (like yesterday, for instance), I can’t help thinking of how our relationship might be different if only circumstances were different.

He has done some things that weren’t so great, but overall, he’s a great guy. I only hate him for one thing. I hate that he made me like him so much. It’s cliché but true.

I know I can’t trust him. Any time he says we’ll talk again or meet again or anything like that, we never do. I don’t even bother correcting him. I probably should, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I just hope we can continue talking like we have been and as often as we have been.

Yesterday

He graduated yesterday.  I guess I don't know exactly how to feel about that.  He can leave now.  Not that he couldn't leave before, but it was less likely.  I don't think he particularly likes being here, so I don't want to fool myself into thinking he'll stay.

All the same, I decided to go to his graduation.  I'd been thinking for a while about whether or not I should, but I realized halfway through yesterday that I really, really wanted to go.  So I got myself cleaned up after work and headed out alone back to my old college. 

I had thought about asking him what he would think if I came, but I decided that it would be better if I just tried to surprise him.  I was taking a risk since I didn't know if I'd be able to get to him after the ceremony.  I was hoping that he'd have his phone on him so I could send him a messge while I was there, but I couldn't be sure he'd have it on him.  But I decided I had to see him graduate anyway.  This wasn't just the culmination of two years of hard work for him; it was also the culmination of me supporting and helping him over the last two years.  It was also one of the only times when I knew that I would find him in a certain place at a certain time.  I could not miss that opportunity.

I got there about 15 or 20 minutes early and found a seat to the right side of the stage.  His last name begins with the same letter mine does, so I figured that if I was sitting on the right side of the aisle last year when I graduated, he would probably be on that side too.

As soon as the graduates began filing into their seats for the ceremony to begin, I began looking for him.  It only took about two mintues, if even that, for me to find him as he took his seat a couple of rows back from the front and far right from the aisle (which also meant he was sitting closer to the seats where I was sitting).

I have never felt and still don't feel so strongly about any other man as I feel about him.  I'd had butterflies in my stomach before I spotted him, but after I spotted him, it was like the butterflies had tripled in size and were flapping their wings in a frenzy.  And I couldn't help but smile when I spotted him.  He looked so good.  It just kills me.  He is so handsome, and I don't think he even understands how much.  I couldn't help myself and went ahead and sent him a message telling him that he looked good.  I wasn't sure if he got it or not, but I thought I'd seen him check his phone earlier, so I had high hopes that he did have his phone and would eventually see my message.

Finally, about 20 minutes later, I received a message:

U here

I typed my reply as fast as I could:

Yes.

Then I got this:

U see me

I typed faster, if that was even possible at this point:

Yes. I'm looking right at you.

As soon as I could push the send button, I looked back up from my phone and down at him, just waiting anxiously for him to finally spot me.  I knew it when he found me. I could see him stop scanning the crowd and pause, looking right at me.  I almost tried to contain my smile, but I couldn't.  I just broke out into a HUGE grin, and I saw him smile at me in return.  I finally knew why I had decided not to tell him beforehand that I was coming - it was for this moment.  A Hollywood director couldn't have made that moment any more perfect in film than it already was in reality.  The way it played out was absolutely perfect.

I got another message:

I see u

I laughed and sent him a reply that said that I thought he had (although the autocorrect messed it up a little, but oh well).  Then finally he sent a simple reply:

Thanks

I told him he was welcome.  After that I tried to wait patiently for him to have his turn walking across the stage and getting his diploma.  I laughed again as I saw him take off his glasses before walking; he knew pictures were being taken and, as usual, refused to have his picture taken with them on.  When he finally had his turn to walk, I tried to capture the moment on camera, but I'm afraid it didn't turn out as well as I would have liked.  Regardless, I am sure I was smiling the whole time.

I tried once again to sit patiently after that and wait for the ceremony to end so that I could try to meet him.  As soon as it was over, I made sure I was one of the first people to make it out to where the graduates were coming out of the building.  I'd only been standing there for a minute when he came out.

Damn, he was so handsome.  He'd taken off the cap and gown, so there he was standing in front of me looking all perfect in a suit.  He cut his hair a while back, but by now it has started to really grow back out.  I think that's a good thing because it just seemed too short the last time I saw him.  As I looked at him yesteray, I couldn't help noticing how it has gotten just long enought to start curling at the ends again.  He was perfect.

I have to admit that with what little time we were together last night, we were very awkward, I think.  I shook his hand as soon as I got to him because I figured that was all I'd be able to get from him.  He asked me when I'd gotten there before telling me to come along with him back inside where his friends were gathering.  I was surprised that he was asking me to come along.  With his friends around, I didn't think he'd really want me to stay at all.  But I obviously wasn't going to say no, so I went with him.  I spent about half the time just lurking behind him or off to the side while he and his friends posed for pictures.  I didn't want to intrude, and I didn't mind standing to the side because I was just happy that he'd even asked me along.

I was REALLY surprised when he asked me to come take a picture with him.  I mean, he pulled me over.  In front of his friends.  AND he had an arm around me.  After everything, I never thought he would do that.  I didn't know where to put my arms or hands, so I just held them behind my back and allowed myself to be pulled in close.

He said something after that about not being able to hang out with me just then and that he'd call me later.  I said I understood and began to pull away.  We shook hands again, but it was really weird trying to pull away.  It was almost like he wanted to pull me into a hug or something.  Instead of letting go immediately, I ended up being sort of pulled across him with our hands still together.  When he did let go, he said something like, "See you later, baby," (which is the only time I can ever recall him actually calling me baby in person, so that is nice to reflect on) and I walked off, looking back only once to see him still taking pictures with his friends.

I was about 10 minutes away from there and driving on the interstate when I got a call from him.  I was confused about why, but he said again that he couldn't hang out then but wanted to say goodbye and that he would see me again later.  I told him I understood, but I also told him that I hoped he meant that last part because he has a bad habit of making promises he can't keep.  We said goodbye and hung up.  It was sweet of him to call.

I don't know if I'll see him again.  I was aware from the beginning that I might never see him again.  I really, desperately hope that is not the case.  I want to trust him, but I'm no idiot.  I'm going to get hurt anyway, but I can save myself from some of it by simply not allowing myself to trust what he says.  Still, I have the hardest time getting rid of that nagging little glimmer of hope.  Even as I left last night, I didn't know whether to be happy about the evening or sad that it might be our last evening.  I think that I will have plenty of time to be sad later, so for the moment, as well as last night, I will elect to be happy.

Things I've neglected to mention

I know I spend a lot of time just talking about this one guy, but I realized a while ago that I haven't mentioned any of the others. So I'm about to fix that.

When things started going sour about a month after kissing the guy I've been talking about, I decided I was fed up with waiting around for the next one. I took matters into my own hands. I joined a dating site. In fact, I have now joined two. I’ve been chatting with guys for months.

I’ve actually gone on a couple of dates since joining one of them. Given that I never dated before this, it is a big deal for me. And it is nice to be able to say that just because that other guy won’t give me his attention doesn’t mean that I don’t have other guys with plenty of potential that I can talk to.

Now let me pause for just a second to mention something else I found out in the last few months. One of my friends actually confessed to me that she is no longer a virgin. I was more than a little shocked when she told me although I tried not to let my shock show when I was talking to her. It’s really stupid too because she only did it because she felt like everybody was judging her negatively for being a virgin. Honestly, I’ve felt nothing but pressure to stay a virgin, but that’s beside the point. I mean, there she was telling me how horrible she felt about not having that experience. What I really wanted to tell her was to imagine how horrible I have felt about having absolutely no experience whatsoever. I’m sorry, but it makes her complaint seem ridiculous. Oh, you’d never had sex? Well, I’d only ever been kissed…like what… I guess what counts as twice in my whole life on one night by one guy when I was less than a week from being freaking 23 years old, so I think I have a little more to complain about in that area.

On the other hand, that made me feel a lot better about what I’d been doing since I met this one guy on one of the dating sites I joined. Because I have technically done more than kissed now. Even if it hasn't been done in person.

I met this guy online that lives on the other side of the world. He’s from the same area as the guy who kissed me. Literally, the cities they call home are probably within an hour from each other. I know, I know, I have a problem with only ever seeming to be attracted with guys from this one background, but I can’t seem to help myself. I have really tried to talk to other guys, but I don’t know…something never quite works out with most of the others. Anyway….

I met this guy online, and the only way we can ever talk is through skype. So after chatting a little while online, that’s what we started doing. Somehow, on about the third time we actually talked on skype, we started talking about sex. It started as a very casual conversation, and I, being from a family that is generally very open about that kind of thing, didn’t feel too embarrassed about having that kind of conversation with a guy I barely knew. But then he started asking more questions until he eventually told me that he was feeling turned on. Then he asked me if he being turned on would turn me on.

Look, you can think this is stupid if you want to because I realize what I was doing was very stupid on several levels. I’d only ever kissed a guy and there I was letting myself get way too involved with a guy I’d never met in person and had only been talking with casually for a couple of weeks, maybe. But he had been good to talk to so far and was kind of cute, and I wasn’t feeling creeped out by the direction the conversation was taking. Maybe I should have felt that way, but I’ve been so deprived of so many sexual experiences that I didn’t feel that way. In fact, I felt the complete opposite. Despite any residual discomfort at the situation, when he asked me that question, I felt compelled to answer yes. I was turned on.

So that’s how the two of us basically ended up having skype sex. Granted, I didn’t take everything off, but still…. I let myself get in too deep so quickly that I couldn’t just stop. I later questioned whether or not I regretted what I’d allowed myself to show. Maybe I regretted it a little, but the more I thought about it, the more I got over it.

It would be a while, though, before I really got into it. For months, I had mixed feelings about doing that. But I can’t say that I was not turned on when we would do that and he would talk about what he would do to me. I’d never had anybody talk like that to me before, and I enjoyed it. I’ve always said that what I lack in experience I’ve made up for in knowledge, so it was finally my chance to put my naughty thoughts to good use. I was just very tentative about it for a while. I wish I hadn’t been because I was cheating myself out of enjoying it more.

However, once I found out my friend is no longer a virgin, it was like my inhibitions disappeared completely. I told her what I’d done with this guy, and I knew she wouldn’t judge me negatively. Maybe it is stupid that I felt so differently only after knowing what she’d done, but I couldn’t help it. It felt good to be able to tell somebody and to know that I wasn’t alone in how I felt. Despite our differences in experience, I could agree with what she was feeling when she said that you eventually just get tired of being alone. I, of all people, know how that feels. Suddenly I didn’t feel like I needed to justify myself to anyone because somebody else understood.

The next day when I talked to him over skype and we decided to go for it, I was totally open to the experience. I wasn’t tentative. I was completely into it.

We continued doing it whenever we talked to each other in the weeks after that, but in the months since that moment, we’ve actually put the sex to the side. In fact, our relationship has turned into a rather nice friendship. Now we talk to each other about our dating prospects and try to help each other out with our respective guy/girl problems. And after what we’ve done, I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything with no embarrassment. I still talk to him often enough, and I’m really quite happy to have him in my life. I’m happy that, regardless of what our relationship is, we’ve managed to keep in touch this long.

Now, aside from him, there have been some other guys worth mentioning.

The first guy I went out to dinner with was Chinese. We talked for a couple of weeks up to that and had a good time that night. Unfortunately, we never kept in touch afterwards. But that one night was a good experience.

There was a guy who was really pursuing me online for a couple of weeks, but when I kept holding back because I felt he was going too fast, we kind of stopped talking. I haven’t bothered to send a message to him. I feel kind of bad about that, but when things go bad, it becomes easier to own up to all the reasons why the relationship would never work. His words were flattering, but I was never really that attracted to him. No chemistry.

There is a guy that I met for coffee and then went out to dinner with just over a week ago. I was going to see him again this weekend, but I’m a bit busy (in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been this social in my life). I don’t know if this will go anywhere, but he is putting forth the effort, and I had a lot of fun with him when we went out last week.

There are several guys all from one country (same country that the guy I talk about all the time is from and that the guy I had skype sex with is from – like I said, I have a problem). I chat with each of them every once in a while. One of them actually currently lives in my state, so I chat with him quite often.

There is another who lives quite close by. We talked for a while online and finally talked through skype about a month ago. I just met him for the first time in person last night at an event at my old college. He’s cute, a good listener, and was really nice when I saw him yesterday. I don’t know if this is going anywhere, but I think I am holding out the most hope for this one. I really hope it goes somewhere.

There are more than a few other guys I’ve talked to over the last six months since I first joined a dating site, but I can’t possibly mention all of them. Sometimes I feel bad because I get busy with work and school, and I simply lose touch with guys who might be really good. As it is, though, I may easily end up talking to three or four different guys in one day.

My friend, the one who is no longer a virgin, has been saying for the last year that what she really needs is not a husband but a harem of men. She jokes about having a group of men at her disposal to go out with and have sex with. The funny thing is, as she has realized, I have nearly made that my reality. I didn’t expect to end up like this, but I’m not complaining. Not that I’m trying to use any of them, because that has never been my intention. I do want a relationship with someone, but after waiting this long, I am making up for lost time and getting to know as many guys as I possibly can and enjoying this part of my life while I am still young and free enough to really enjoy it. If I talk to enough of them, eventually I’ll find someone I can stick with.

And now, even if he doesn’t realize it, that one guy is no longer the only love interest in a nonexistent love life. He is now quickly becoming a tiny blip in the middle of a very busy love life. And even though I really miss him, this feels good. I hope this lasts for a while. I’ve got a good thing going, so I hope I don’t ruin it. I’ve finally arrived, and I’m not going back.

Hello again

Well, I finally saw him again yesterday.  I was at my grandparents' house, and he came and met me there.  We stayed there the entire evening, so we spent the entire time talking with my grandparents.  I'm glad he finally got to meet them and that I finally got to see him again, but that was kind of awkward.  We really need to talk to each other alone, I think, and we didn't get that chance yesterday.  I'm supposed to see him this coming Friday, so hopefully we can reach some kind of understanding.  Right now I'm just about as miserable as ever.  I know that sounds stupid since I should be happy that I saw him, but I am just continually reminded when he is around of the fact that he and I cannot be together the way I would like.  Maybe I could eventually get over that, but unless we talk to each other and work things out, I think things are just going to stay awkward and we don't stand a chance of having any sort of relationship.

I was surprised when he hugged me.  As soon as he got out of his car, he came over to me and hugged me.  I mean, he really hugged me - both his arms around me, mine around him, and my face practically pressed against his chest.  He's never done that before.  I realize we've rarely been alone when we meet up (we were this time before we went inside my grandparents' house), so that could be part of the reason why he's never done that before; still, it seemed unusual.  He's had opportunities to do that before, but he never did.  Does he think that because we kissed he can just hug me now without it seeming like a big deal?  Well, whatever.

I'm not saying it didn't feel good.  It certainly did feel good having his arms around me like that and being able to put my arms around him.  As he hugged me when he arrived, I tried to say that it was good to see him, but I almost couldn't get my voice to work.  If I thought that was bad, it was almost twice as bad when he went to leave.  He hugged me again, and this time it was so tight.  I mean, maybe that could partly be my fault (because I wouldn't be surprised if I was beginning to hold on tightly before even without realizing it), but I am sure I felt him holding me just as tightly as I ended up holding him.  It was weird trying to say goodbye, even if only for a week, after that; my voice nearly gave out again. 

I don't know what to think about it.  It is possible that he's just feeling guilty.  My grandmother made a couple of comments that certainly suggested he should feel guilty for treating me the way he has or staying away from me this long.  At one point I was standing across the room as she made such a comment, and I could see him looking over at me with a sort of strange expression, like he was wondering what I'd said to her.  I don't think he's so stupid that he doesn't realize I'm hurt.  He already asked before if I'm mad at him, so I know he's noticed.  But he's also told me before that he does like me and that I shouldn't think otherwise, so perhaps he would hug me like that anyway, guilt or no guilt.  I really don't know.

The only thing I really do know is that I pray with my entire being, from the very deepest depths of my soul, that he and I can sort out whatever is wrong between us.

It's been a while

I've been busy, so I haven't had the time that I used to have to dwell on my problematic love life....

But that doesn't mean that I haven't had any time to dwell on it.

Lately, the last week in particular, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.  And right now I just miss him like crazy.  I can't stop thinking of all the time we spent together.  I can't stop thinking about what I wish could have happened.  I can't stop thinking about what I wish (but highly doubt) would happen between us.  I know it's all no good, but it's his fault for worming his way back to the front of my mind.

He ticked me off several weeks ago when he got back to the United States.  He told me he was back before he had even left the airport.  Thing is, why do I need to know that?  He's barely talked to me for months, and I certainly am not stupid enough to think that I'll see him anytime soon as much as I would like to hope otherwise.  There was no point in him telling me he was back as if his being on this side of the world somehow changes things; 40 miles or 4,000 -  the actual distance makes no difference to me if he's only going to continue to act distant.  If anything, I feel worse knowing that he's physically so close and yet so very far out of my reach.

As thrilled as I always am to hear from him, I've gotten really frustrated with the occasional conversations he's started that basically lead nowhere.  I decided I had to do something about it.  I asked him if I could ask him a question, but I never got around to the actual question.  That's because I got carried away and wrote nearly a page of ranting that I knew I couldn't send to him.  I never was able to trim or edit it down to something I felt was okay to send.  I kept putting off sending anything; I was sure he thought I was crazy asking if I could ask him something only to end up doing nothing for weeks.

But then last week he wished me  and my family a happy new year.  It was a perfectly nice message.  I thanked him and wished him the same.  Rather unnecessarily I thought, he thanked me in return.  I didn't respond after that although I thought about it.  He was being too nice, and it made me even more frustrated. It made it even more difficult for me to figure out what to say to him.  I was glad that he was being so nice and that I was even hearing from him, but I was frustrated that he would send something like that and act almost as if nothing is wrong between us.

But the icing on the cake came earlier this week.  I was on Facebook when this message popped up:

"U mad at me rgt"

That actually made me laugh.  It was nice to see that he was finally acknowledging that we have a problem.  I responded and told him that I was a bit mad at him; although I also said a few other things, that was the important part of my answer.  I was hoping that we might actually get somewhere with the conversation this time.  Instead I got a message that was just about as frustrating as the others.  He said that he could understand but that he could not answer me now.  He said he was in a little trouble and could not explain but that he hoped I could understand.  Note that he did not elaborate any further on any of these statements, leaving me just as confused as ever.  The only part of the message that made me feel better at all was his last two sentences:

"But I like you too.  Don't think otherwise."

I mean, it's not like I didn't already think that he likes me.  I have had my doubts sometimes, but I've generally dismissed a lack of interest as the root of our problems.  And I don't see how him telling me that he likes me makes any difference if he is going to continue to not act on his feelings.  It's almost as frustrating as when he let me know he was back in America; I don't want to know this type of information if our relationship isn't going to change.  But still....

It was nice to actually see those words.  I'm not sure how much they're worth, but they are comforting to see.  And then him adding "don't think otherwise" just makes the previous statement that much stronger.  I guess I can't help but appreciate the reassurance.

Whether or not I should truly feel reassured, only time will tell.

He's Gone

For now anyway.  He's back home on the other side of the world.  It's not like I didn't know he had left, and I was kind of glad to see his Facebook posts because now I know that he arrived home safely.

Still....

When asked by somebody else why he was there, he said "to get what I missed in USA."  I mean, I know that it's his home and always will be his home and that whatever life he can create in the United States will never compare to the comforts of his own country and culture, but I really wish he could stay here.  I miss him, and I hate how strained our relationship had become right before he left.  We might be on the road to becoming "just friends" again, but we still haven't made it there yet.  As long as he's gone, I really don't think the distance is going to make things any better (though I would love to be proven wrong on this point).

The fact that he's on the other side of the earth somehow makes this even more awkward.  He didn't want his friends to know about me while he was here, and I'm sure the last thing he needs now that he's there is for his family to know about me.  He's online right now, and I don't feel like I can talk to him.  I want to get closer to him, but I feel like he erases every other trace of me that I leave online even if it's just me liking one of his posts on Facebook.  He's not supposed to be with me, so he gets rid of the evidence.  I knew from the beginning that it would probably be a bad idea to get involved with him the way I have, but I just couldn't stop myself from falling for him.  It might sound like he's treating me badly by trying to hide me away, but he's also the first guy to ever properly show any interest in me; in other words, he's also the only guy who ever really treated me like a girl worth desiring.  I can't be mad at him.  It's sad to say, but pushing me away is actually a rather expected move on his part, and I don't want to risk losing him completely by asking him to overturn his life and go against his parents and cultural norms just to be with me.  I don't want to make him choose between me and them because he won't choose me and would only resent me.

So I'm just going to sit here and pray that when he comes back, we'll reconnect.  Hopefully when he has to leave home to come back here, he will at least think of me as a small reason to be happy to return to the United States.


To Add to My Last Post

Yes, I realize that wanting to just be friends with him probably seems ridiculous when I've already devoted so much time to writing about how badly I wanted to get closer to him.  I suppose this is one of those times when you have to be careful what you wish for.

I don't regret the kiss, though.  I don't like that he seems to regret it.  If we hadn't kissed, he wouldn't be ignoring me right now.  Judging by his message, he seems to feel that I can't be his friend anymore now that he knows how I feel about him (doesn't seem to matter that he feels the same or that he was the one who made the move to kiss me, twice actually - I never forced him to do anything).  Still, I wouldn't give up that moment for the world.  I think I can continue to be his friend if friendship is all he wants, and it's not like I didn't have these feelings long before that moment; I've been controlling myself for the better part of the last year, and I think I could continue to reign my emotions in now.  It would be such a waste for us to put an end to a year-long friendship just because of one kiss.  And if we hadn't kissed, I would've gone on wondering what it would be like to kiss him.  At least now I don't have to go crazy with wondering, and now I can know where we stand.

Ugh

Note: I lost this blog post the first time I wrote it, so now I'll try to write it again, but in fewer words.

I've been wondering for the last few weeks about whether or not the guy I like has been trying to distance himself from me.  I've barely talked to him since I last saw him, and perhaps I would have been better off continuing to leave him alone.  The one good thing about me sending my last message is that he did finally give me a (fairly) direct response.  I cannot regret my attempts to talk to him because I could not go on wondering how he would react if I at least tried.  At first I thought his reaction was simply to ignore me, but the message he sent today was both a blessing and a curse.
 
He said that he knows what I think about him and thinks I’m a good girl, but I need to try to understand even though he can’t explain.  Okay, so that’s kind of cryptic, but I’m pretty sure I can see where he’s going with this.  I still don’t know if I’ll ever send another message in response to him or not, but I’d like to get my thoughts out here in writing anyway.
 
If he wants me to understand that he can’t be with me, I’ve been aware of that for a while.  Granted, I didn’t stop us from getting closer to each other, but then again, he didn’t either.  I didn’t force him to do anything with me or for me.  I didn’t push that hard; the only thing I pushed hard for was spending more time with him and talking to him, but that is what I want in any friendship.  I was prepared to let go of him last year when Christmas rolled around because I knew I wouldn’t have to see him anymore and thought that he probably wasn’t interested enough in me to actually stay in touch.  I only let things progress this far because he started contacting me.  I have generally only given as good as I’ve gotten.  Still, I have known for a majority of this time that he can’t be with me in the long run.  I know that his family would not approve of me, and I never expected him to go against his parents’ wishes.  I know that being with me would go completely against his cultural norms, and it has never been my intention to force him to go against his own culture.  Besides the fact that I practically studied cultural sensitivity in college and have prided myself on my efforts to avoid ethnocentric thoughts, I think that part of respecting him includes respecting his culture.  I don’t necessarily agree with all aspects of his culture, but I have tried my best to understand them.
 
If he wants me to understand that I shouldn’t send messages to him because his friends might see it, I have tried my best to understand that as well.   I don’t know what he’s expecting me to say that’s so dangerous and don’t see why it should be so hard for him to keep our conversations private and away from prying eyes, but I imagine that it is simply easier to ask me not to talk than it is to try to keep secrets from his friends.  The fact that I am a girl and am not from his race is plenty of reason for his friends to pester him.  He shares an apartment with some of them and has to be around them all the time, so it is easier for him to avoid me instead of them.
 
I think he underestimates how much I understand.  He always has seemed surprised by just how much I know.  Nobody he’s met since coming to this country has put more effort into understanding him, and I feel confident in the truth of that statement.  
 
He says he knows what I think of him, but I know how he thinks of me too.  He has said and done too much with me for me to believe that his attraction to me is just physical.  If he didn’t feel remotely emotionally affectionate towards me, he wouldn’t have been nearly as kind in his message to me.  In fact, he probably wouldn’t have sent anything at all; he would have continued ignoring me.
 
Despite all of this, I don’t think we are so far gone that we shouldn’t continue on as friends.  I told him in my last message that I couldn’t stand feeling like I can’t talk to him, and that holds true for all of my friendships.  It’s one thing if a relationship slowly fizzles out or is ended for solid reasons, but it is something completely different when a person expects to end a relationship suddenly with no good reason.  I wouldn’t mind if we happily lost touch with each other as we went on with our lives, but I cannot stand the thought of us bitterly starting lives where we never talk to each other ever again just weeks after we last saw each other.
 
I’m not asking him to marry me.  I’m not asking him to date me.  I’m just asking that he does not cut me off like this.
 
In a sort of sick way, I am glad he sent the message.  I don’t have to go on wondering so much about where we stand.  And at least his message was kind enough.  It honestly sounded somewhere between a plea and an apology.  He also said not to feel bad.  I don’t think that is so easy to do, but I appreciate the sentiment.  

Wishes


I've Been Wondering

Pretty early on into my friendship with this guy I began wondering if I was more interested in him or his culture (though his culture is arguably one of the most integral parts of him, one of the greatest influences on his personality). I was interested in his culture long before I met him, but my interest increased greatly after getting to know him.  I think somewhere in the middle of last year my interests in both him and his culture just mixed together and grew in tandem.  Learning about and immersing myself in his culture makes me feel closer to him, and every time I fall harder for him, I immerse myself even deeper.  I think if he would just let me get close enough again to experience his culture through him instead of through my own searching, I would probably fall even harder for both.

Well Genius, Now What?

So...

He finally kissed me.

The guy that has been running around my mind for the last year and driving me crazy, particularly as of late, kissed me.  And, of course, I kissed him back!  Here I was thinking that I'd have to go through another birthday without having been kissed; I was going to look back on twenty-three long years during which a man's lips hadn't even come within a foot of my own, but he saved me from that despite all my doubts that he ever would.

I really never thought he would kiss me.  Sure, I thought (and still think) about kissing him all the time, but I also had to constantly remind myself that it wouldn't happen.  Every time I would look at myself in a mirror and try to fix myself up, it would be with the idea that he would never want to kiss me otherwise, but then that thought was always followed by the self-admonishing reminder that my appearances didn't matter that much since he would never kiss me no matter what I did.  We're not from the same race or even the same country, and his parents would likely throw a fit if we were a couple.  I thought his parents' potential disappointment was enough to keep him from getting any closer to me.  Besides, there are so many things that can go wrong between us because we are from such different cultures.  Why would he want to go to so much trouble just to be with me?  Of course I didn't think he would kiss me, and I did a pretty good job of convincing myself of that fact.

I really didn't think he was going to kiss me until he actually had his hand in my hair and his lips on the skin next to my ear.  Physical contact with him usually doesn't get any more intimate than a handshake.  The fact that we had been sitting leg-to-leg didn't matter; up until that point, he gave me no indication that he intentionally wanted to get closer.  But once I could feel his stubble rubbing against my skin and hear his breath next to my ear, I could only think to myself "oh, God...this is it...he's going to kiss me!"  All I can remember after that is our lips being fused together, me putting a hand on his shoulder, and the hand he had on my waist pulling me just a little closer.  I put my head on his shoulder once we had stopped, and when we walked back to my car later, we walked with arms around each other.  I drove him back to his place, and he kissed me once more before getting out of the car.  My mind was in a complete daze for the rest of the night.

The only problem now is that I've barely heard from him since then.  He called me just after midnight on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, but that's the last I heard from him.  He doesn't really want me sending messages so much anymore because he doesn't want his friends to see them; I think he's worried that I might say something a bit too telling of the nature of our relationship and that his friends will want pick on him because of it.  I'm sure that my being American also doesn't help matters.  He wants to get closer to me but is also afraid of getting closer because he knows that he is not supposed to be with me in the long run (that's his family's opinion anyway, and he's not going to go against his family's wishes that easily much to my misfortune).  He let himself cross a line with me, and now I don't know if either of us knows what he is going to do.  I have nothing to lose; he does.  I absolutely do not regret our kiss(es), but I do wish I could hear from him again.  I want to talk to him and spend time with him even if it is just as friends.  Of course I would like for us to be more than friends, and of course I want to kiss him again, but I want him in my life regardless of what role he plays. 

I know he has a lot to deal with and take care of even without trying to figure out how to deal with or make time for me, but I guess I need some solid indication of where things are going to go from here.  I am stuck at another stalemate, and I'm not sure if this one is any better or worse than the last one.  I finally got my kiss, but I think I might be more confused than ever.  I'm still going to go crazy.

And if any of this sounds even vaguely incoherent, it's probably because I barely know what to think anymore.

I Think I Am Going to Go Crazy

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Alone

Before I say anything else, I would like to mention that in regards to my last post, I really am the last person who should be judging somebody else's relationship.  After all, it's not like I've ever been with anyone.  I haven't gotten so much as a single kiss from a guy.  That fact really never used to bother me so much, but now it almost kills me emotionally.  I'm not sure if I've ever felt this alone in my life.  It's like I can't even appreciate how much my friends or family care about me because something, or someone in this case, is still missing.  I feel bad because I know I shouldn't take their love for granted, but I just can't seem to help feeling empty even when my own mother tells me she loves me.  Yeah, I'm closer to my mom than anybody else and don't know what I would do without her, but I'm well into the point of my life where romantic love is something that frequently features in my daily concerns for my future.  My friends will move on and move away, and my parents will age -  I don't want to be here ten years from now still wondering whether or not I'll always be alone while the world around me continues to revolve and evolve.

I think the fact that I am the only person in my group of friends who has never had a boyfriend/never had a date/never been kissed just makes my despair even worse.  I've seen and heard enough about my distant friends and acquaintances getting engaged and married as it is, and now one of my best friends is engaged.  I'm tired of hearing my friends talk about guys and then seeing them look at me sympathetically (their expressions portraying pity that practically screams "oh you poor thing, you'll find a guy eventually...right?") once they realize that I am sitting there quietly and remember that I cannot add to the conversation.  Like I said, they'll move on eventually and start families; things will change, and as it is, I'm already getting left behind.

One of them tried to comfort me a couple of weeks ago while we were chatting online.  I appreciate her concern, but I'm not sure I can entirely appreciate her consolations.  It also doesn't help that she has had her fair share of relationships; what does she know about being perpetually single?  I was talking to her about how I am so impatient right now and how I feel I've been waiting long enough, and we had already discussed one particular guy's interest in me.  She started saying that I just needed to stay patient and that when I stop looking for love, I'll finally find it.  She also tried to comfort me by saying that she's seen the way men look at me, so she knows I'll eventually find a guy out there. 

In reference to her first point, I'd like to point out that it is only just recently that I have become this impatient.  Until recently I have never given too much concern to finding a guy, so by her logic, I really don't know why I haven't had guys chasing after me for years now.  Yeah, I realize I could be doing something else wrong that has prevented me from finding a guy, but I don't think all of my years not spent looking for love got me very far, so I don't really see how it's going to make any difference now; other than for the sake of my own sanity, it doesn't matter whether I'm patient or impatient because the results have been the same either way. 

And in reference to her second point, I don't doubt that there are guys who have been attracted to me.  I even have one guy friend in particular right now that I like, and I am positive that he is attracted to me (though as to how much, I don't know).  The problem isn't that guys don't notice me because I know they do; the problem is that they never make a move.  I usually don't let myself seriously entertain the idea of me with a particular guy until he shows interest in me first, but even when I do show interest and try to start something with him, he won't meet me the rest of the way.  I think this is mostly just because I've had bad luck so far, and the only guys that I've liked who like me are unattainable for one reason or another.  I know that my guy friend is attracted to me, but we both know that he has reasons why we can't be together, so he is never going to make a move.  So as much as I appreciate hearing that guys do look at me and are attracted to me, I was never worried about that in the first place.

...yeah, I know.  I need help....

Engaged

Well, I'm not...but my friend is.  She hasn't shut up about this guy for days, and now she's finally engaged to him.  I guess you could say she was already engaged before today (as one of her best friends, I was constantly informed of the slightest change in her relationship status, regardless of whether I really wanted to hear about it or not), but it was only today that she finally made it Facebook official.  I love how surprised some most people were by the news.

Of course, they have every right to be.  This guy was the only real boyfriend she has ever had.  Yes, they've been together for about seven months, but anybody who really knows her and has taken any note of her love life should be surprised at how quickly she went from being the perpetually single girl (I don't mean that in a bad way - I just mean that she has never been too boy crazy, dated around a lot, or, up until this point, gotten much further than some light flirting) to being engaged.  In less than a year she has gone from having no love life whatsoever to speak of to planning a lifelong commitment to a guy whom she apparently believes is the love of her life.

And it's not like anybody around here has seen or heard of this guy, so of course it seems like he came out of nowhere.  He's from the other side of the country.  They met online through a mutual friend.  He has only come to see her twice.  I'm not blaming him for not coming sooner or more often by any means; we're all young, and I know neither of them can afford to just fly or drive across the country every few weeks to see each other.  I'm just saying that they haven't spent more than a week with each other in person.  And they certainly have wanted most of that time to themselves, not around friends.

So this is why everybody is now sending her their baffled congratulations.  They don't have a clue who he is, but they know that they are supposed to be happy for her.  Some of them think they are seriously out of touch with her for not knowing about this guy or how serious she is about him, but the truth is that even those of us who have been kept informed over the last few months find ourselves a bit baffled.  Even we find it a bit absurd for her to already be engaged; the difference is that we can't blame the absurdity on our being out of touch with her because we aren't out of touch - the evolution of their relationship is simply that surprising.

I'm not saying that they won't have a happy life together.  I have known people who got engaged after a week of dating and are still married, and I know that arranged marriages can work out just fine.  There is no reason why two people who have dated online for months shouldn't be able to make it work. Still, I can't help but worry that she has this idea of what married life will be like that reality can't possibly live up to, and I worry about what will happen when the going finally gets rough.

Annoyed

My dad has basically said on more than one occasion that I have a smart mouth, but what he never seems to realize is that it is used most often around him. He's the pot calling the kettle black. I actually censor most of what I would like to say, and making smart comments is the only way I can argue with him without actually arguing with him. He is such an a-hole half of the time.

Breakdown

If the world keeps kicking you down hard enough and often enough, it's only a matter of time before you become too bruised and broken to get back up.  Sure, it was easy the first few times to get back up and keep fighting, but after a while it hardly seems worth it.  You only get worn out and further injured for all your trouble.  It seems easier to just stay down and hope that you will be assumed to have been adequately beaten and that you will finally be left alone.

I value my dignity and will fight for it, but I don't think there is any dignity to be found in fighting if it only leads me to be beaten down further and never allows me to come out as the victor.

It's frequent enough of an occurance to make a person think that she actually deserves to be degraded.  I'd like to think that nobody deserves to be degraded, but the world doesn't seem to work like that. 

I don't want to deal with this

I am so incredibly and unreasonably scared, and I am not ready to deal with any of this.  I am a senior in college and should be able to deal with all these seemingly little things life throws at me, but I can't, not alone. 

And that's the worst part.  I don't feel that it's right for me to have to rely on somebody all the time.  All I've got in the end is myself.  The problem is that I'm not sure that's enough.  What am I going to do when I have nobody?  I don't anticipate always having somebody there for me.  I can't always expect that.

I can't go on like this, but I can't conceive not going on like this.  I don't know what to do.

1-18 of 18 Blogs   

Previous Posts
What Else Has Been Going On, posted January 29th, 2014
I Hurt, posted October 19th, 2013
One Year, posted September 28th, 2013
What's New, posted August 31st, 2013
Yesterday, posted May 11th, 2013
Things I've neglected to mention, posted April 6th, 2013
Hello again, posted February 16th, 2013
It's been a while, posted January 12th, 2013
He's Gone, posted November 14th, 2012
To Add to My Last Post, posted October 25th, 2012
Ugh, posted October 23rd, 2012
Wishes, posted October 22nd, 2012
I've Been Wondering, posted October 17th, 2012
Well Genius, Now What?, posted October 9th, 2012
I Think I Am Going to Go Crazy, posted September 22nd, 2012
Alone, posted July 19th, 2012
Engaged, posted July 7th, 2012
Annoyed, posted May 27th, 2012
Breakdown, posted January 2nd, 2012
I don't want to deal with this, posted August 23rd, 2011

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